The 'Round 1' release of Spider-Man 2 games was timed to coincide with the release of "Spider-Man 2," the movie, which is arguably the best comic-book movie ever (I would argue, others would not, but I'm also one of the six people who enjoyed the film adaptation of "Wing Commander," so what do I know?). Round 1 saw the web-slinger appear on nearly every piece of gaming hardware in existence, even the N-Gage. And while the PC and handheld versions existed in various religions' versions of hell, the console adventures of everyone's favorite web-head were good, and not just "good for a movie game" good, but actually good for like, a real game. Round 2, which consists of exactly one game, coincides roughly with the release of the movie on DVD. In truth, the timing is probably more happenstance than anything else, but it is possible that the renewed interest in all things Spidey brought on by the DVD release, coupled with the relative dearth of DS launch titles, prompted a few people to purchase Spider-Man 2 for Nintendo's new handheld who might otherwise not have.

But let's hope not, because the game is crap.

Not total crap, mind you. The 3D graphics are excellent, and the framerate remains smooth throughout. Only a few of the DS titles released thus far really show off the hardware's graphical muscle, and this one certainly qualifies. It's definitely more than enough to cause someone to get excited at the prospect of playing the game, a feeling that I found lasted until roughly midway through the first level, whereupon it was slowly replaced with annoyance, a mild temper tantrum, and a brief pondering as to whether or not anyone had yet tested the melting point of a DS cartridge. You know, for science. The problem is, the graphics are the lone bright spot upon what is, in fact, a dark and bitter sea of weak control, broken combat, dumb mission objectives, and mind-numbingly arbitrary and sadistic level design.

Now, I don't know who designed the control scheme for this game, and in retrospect, I'm not really certain anyone actually did, but someone should have told them the DS had a touch screen. I can think of any number of cool ways a Spider-Man game could utilize a touch interface, but instead, Vicarious Visions decided to use it to select which of eight special moves (using the term "special" either loosely or ironically) you can trigger by pressing the R button. Basically, they've taken an exciting new interactive gaming technology, and turned it into a full-time pause menu. But, again, it doesn't seem like a whole lot of thought went into the control of the game in general. Relying far too much on precision diagonals and timed button combinations to accomplish even the simplest of maneuvers, the game constantly finds Spidey doing things the player doesn't want to do, and countless cheap hits are taken as a result. On top of that, the controls are mapped oddly, with punch and kick assigned to A and Y. I can't even begin to figure out why, since not having punches and kicks on adjacent buttons makes pulling off combos a clumsy, fumbling affair, especially given how small and close together the DS' buttons are.

Now, one might surmise that poor controls would lead to shoddy combat; in actuality, the controls detract only slightly from what can generously be described as a tragically inept combat engine. The player has a number of moves at their disposal, including the aforementioned special moves chosen from the touch screen. Some of these special moves are actually pretty nifty, but sadly most of them must be earned by, well, playing the game. They're not that nifty. The other "potentially nifty yet somehow made stupid" feature of combat is your famous Spidey Sense. In the moment before an enemy attacks, Spidey's head flashes, and by hitting the L button at that opportune moment, the player can slow time, theoretically gaining a tactical advantage. The problems with this are twofold. First, the window of opportunity for triggering the Spidey Sense seems inconsistent, particularly when facing multiple attackers, making successful use of it a very hit-and-miss affair. This actually isn't so bad, since any advantage gained by the slowdown is nullified by the resulting disorientation and changes to the combat timing. Even if a player successfully throws a punch, which is more difficult than it may sound since the controls seem to translate nearly any input into a request for Spidey to squat, the odds of it landing are virtually a toss-up, thanks to some of the most problematic collisions not involving a Kennedy. It's not that the collision detection is bad, really, so much as it is just stupid. While nearly any object in the game (say, a trash can) impedes Spidey's progress, enemies are not likewise solid, meaning that the player can choose to walk right through them. Add to this the fact that the combat engine demands precise distance and timing (your fist when fully extended and only when fully extended must meet the target to count as a hit) and you have a recipe for frustration. Time after time an enemy will walk right through Spidey's attempt to pummel him. These rigid standards don't seem to apply to the bad guys, however. All in all, a typical combat encounter in Spider-Man 2 goes something like this:

Bad guy appears and approaches Spidey.

Spidey's head flashes. Player hits L button to enter Spidey-SloMo. Spidey instead squats, which also proves effective as bad guy's punch sails overhead.

Bad guy walks through squatting Spidey, and turns to attack again.

Spidey's head flashes. Player hits L button to enter Spidey-SloMo. It actually works, confusing the player just long enough for Spidey to get punched in the face. Player attempts to fight back. Spidey squats.

Player manages to flee attacker briefly until path is blocked by trash can. Bad guy attacks. Player attempts to squat. Spidey enters Spidey-SloMo and flings enemy into wall with web. Spidey wins. Player is confused.

So the combat sucks hard, but that's not all our little webhead is up to on this trip out, oh no – there are innocent citizens in need of rescuing, and that's what men in spandex do, after all. Yes, mission objectives come in two flavors: rescue folks and beat up evildoers. Each chapter has a minimum number of one or both that the player must achieve to advance. Spidey might have to save six people, beat up four bad guys, or rescue three and beat up nine. It seems like it would get boring, and it does. It also gets frustrating, and players will find themselves running all over the place just to find that one last guy to beat up before Miller time. This brings us to the game's biggest flaw: levels seemingly designed either by mean and/or incompetent people, goats, or accident. Buildings are arranged in illogical, maze-like fashion, and everything looks the same, so the only way to find all your objectives is to explore every nook and cranny in a slow, methodical fashion. This would be okay if that's what kind of game it was. But instead, the mission objectives are often combined with a time limit. Not only do you have to find and rescue seven people while also finding and beating up four other people, but you have to do it all in this incredibly stupidly designed level, in less than four minutes, and with absolutely no map or navigational help whatsoever. This translates into spending multiple attempts simply memorizing a level, so that by the time there's any real chance of completing it, the player has seen and done this far too many times for it to still be fun.

Pretty graphics aside, this game is a train wreck. It is seriously flawed in nearly every possible way, and serves both as a reminder of what a movie game used to be, and a textbook example of bad game design. Spidey fans in need of a portable interactive Spider-Man experience would be better off watching the DVD on a laptop and periodically poking the screen with a finger.