Stand up straight, maggot, before I spit-shine my size fourteens all OVER your ass! I cannot BELIEVE what I'm seeing! I didn't realize the Coalition of Governments--that's the COG to slimy pukes like you--was gettin' so hard-up that it started drafting maggots into the fight. Don't we have enough bugs poppin' up out of the ground without recruiting a bunch of pathetic wiggly worms like you?

You are, without a doubt, the SORRIEST group of pinheads I've ever seen! I'll bet you thought you'd be safe leaving the fighting to someone else, didn't you? Thought you'd get away with sipping margaritas by the pool and playing video games while REAL soldiers spilled their blood in the streets! Well I've got a reality update for all you turd-rollers; the fight has officially come to YOU, and I guaran-damn-tee that I'll personally shoot the first lily-hugging dingleberry who breaks for that door!

Ain't no going home to your mommas now, so pay attention, you pathetic worms! What I'm about to show you could save your useless lives some day.

Find It Kind of Sad (GEARS Training Module 7.3 Rev. A)
As you will see in this ten-hour acclimation video, the life of a COG soldier isn't all teacups and lollipops. While our enemy, the Locust, advances further and further into our cities, every able-bodied citizen is pressed into service; even those previously convicted by court-martial of disobeying direct orders during wartime.

The subject of this module is Marcus Fenix, and here we see him being released from prison by a former squadmate. As Fenix and his cohort make their way though the overrun prison, you WILL take note of their advanced training, particularly the expertise with which they reload their weapons. Timing here is everything, as the mental and physiological advantage derived from a well-reloaded weapon has been known to improve aim, thereby increasing the damage that you inflict upon the Locust scourge. Conversely, a botched reload can cause your weapon to jam, and the only thing more useless than a roomful of green recruits is a jammed weapon!

In this video, Fenix and his men have been tasked with locating Alpha squad, who disappeared without contact two days ago. It's rumored that Alpha has in their possession a device which could effectively turn the tide of the battle and send those grub-sucking bastards scurrying back into the ground where they belong, although as of 0730 we have received no update on Alpha's location.

Like Fenix, you WILL utilize a variety of weaponry, including fragmentation grenades, rifles of alternating configuration, shotguns, handguns, and a nifty little number called the Hammer of Dawn. None of you yet possesses the required security clearance to be briefed on the Hammer's full specifications, but rest assured that you WILL enjoy the deployment of said weapon, and unless you've got a death wish or a big, fat insurance policy naming yours truly as sole beneficiary, you WILL observe proper firing procedures; you will be outdoors, you will have direct line-of-sight, and you WILL stand the hell back. DO you understand me?

Dreams in Which I'm Dying
Fenix and his squadmates keep themselves alive through the use of various sheltering structures. Anything and everything WILL be utilized for cover, including but not limited to conveniently placed concrete barriers, shelled automobiles, building corners, and even columns; you name it, and it CAN save your worthless ass! I cannot sufficiently emphasize to all you buglickers the importance of keeping your head down and your weapon ready. Your own survival, and possibly that of the human race, depends on your ability to locate your soft and fleshy parts OUT of the line of fire!

Take a careful look at what the Locust have done to our world, maggots. Soak up that destruction, the devastation of something once very much alive, and remember that Sera is STILL the most beautiful planet in the galaxy. If any of you live to see the end of this war, you could travel the rest of your days and never find another world as goll-darned pretty as this one. So even though the barbaric grunts and howls of the enemy might paralyze you with fear, even as the sound of gunfire rattles your teeth in your skull and you hear the bullets flying past only inches from your face, always remember that we fight for the glory and survival of Sera!
 

Best I've Ever Had
While I consider it a privilege and an honor for a COG to die in battle, you WILL score a nine-point-nine on the useless meter unless you take a bunch of those pasty-skinned monstrosities with you before you bite it. So keep your eyes and ears open, your weapons loaded, and your head behind something wider than your ass, or the only medevac equipment you'll require is a sponge and a paper cup!
 

IS that clear?

- GravityFails