I love reality TV shows. I'm a sucker for watching people make complete fools of themselves for money, so naturally, Fear Factor is right up my alley. Like most fans of the show, I sit there every episode, asking myself "Could I do that? Would I do that?" and pretty much coming to the conclusion that there's no way I'd be caught dead doing any of the stunts the contestants put themselves through. A few hours with Fear Factor: Unleashed for the GameBoy Advance changed my mind, though. Eating a half dozen cockroaches or swimming through crocodile-infested waters would be a vacation compared to being forced to play this game.

In case you're not quite as addicted to reality TV as I am, Fear Factor is a game in which six contestants are put through three different stunts. The first stunt is based on skill, the second is the "gross" one, and the third one is action based, usually involving some sort of high speed or heights. Contestants unable to complete the stunts, or who complete the stunts the slowest are eliminated one by one. The last person standing at the end of the third stunt takes home $50,000 dollars. Unleashed follows the same general set up, putting players through three mini games in order to become the virtual Fear Factor champion. The first step is for players to create a profile for their in-game alter ego, picking hair, skin, and costume color, as well as name and gender. Although I appreciate the attempt at customization, that's really all it is: an attempt. Ultimately, the character from the created profile looks exactly like all of the other contestants, except the bathing suit is a different color. The Sims, this ain't.

After the profile has been created, the game starts in earnest, with snippets and sound effects from the show running after the obligatory "don't try this at home, you moron" text. Once the first mini-game starts, however, any resemblance to Fear Factor, or indeed to a game from the last decade, disappears completely. A brief explanation of the controls for the first stunt is displayed, which would be extremely helpful if they weren't poorly written and decidedly vague. Still, since the player's character goes last, there's plenty of time to watch what the other contestants do. Yes, that's right; players have to sit through every other contestant's turn. Every single time. Fun, huh? Fortunately, the cinemas can be skipped, but it's still aggravating to have to slog through "You're up, Peaches!" *skip* Peaches cinema *skip* "Oh, good try, Peaches!" over and over and over again. (By the way, who picked the names for the AI in this game? Peaches? Steel? Slate? It's like the roster at a bad strip club.)

Stunts are chosen from a selection of about a dozen different mini-games. Players can choose to play the standard mode, which follows the same skill-gross-action pattern as the TV show, or they can create a custom show by picking not only the three stunts, but also the order in which to do them. A typical stunt line up might have a player picking a lock as fast as he can, then transferring worms from one conveyor belt to another with his mouth, and finally grabbing flags while water skiing. The controls for each stunt are usually fairly simple, and most often require the player to push up or down, left or right on the D-pad while pressing the A button at key moments. Complicating matters is the Fear meter at the bottom of the screen, which is "calm" at the middle and "super mega freak out" at the ends. The L and R buttons move a slider back and forth along the meter, trying to keep it centered so that fear does not become a factor and completely blow the stunt. None of the controls are all that difficult, but trying to rock the D-pad, tap the A button and control the slider all at once isn't challenging as much as it's just plain irritating. As fun as it should be trying to keep a virtual human from puking up Madagascar hissing cockroaches is exactly how much fun this set up isn't.

Since it's unlikely any player that hasn't suffered severe head trauma will be willing to put up with Unleashed long enough to make it through all three rounds of the game, it's fortunate that Practice mode gives them the chance to try any stunt whenever they like. I personally can't imagine any situation in which someone would willingly put themselves through crappy mini-game after crappy mini-game, unless maybe they've given up fun and good gaming for Lent, but, hey, it's nice to have the option, I suppose. Taking a run through Practice mode also reveals that the pixel-poor graphics aren't an exception; they're the rule for Unleashed. Playing this title makes one long for the visual feast of Nintendo 8-bit games. Or to be struck blind. The characters are so pixilated they look like they were made from Lego blocks, the environments range in color from "burnt toast" to "mud" to "sludge", and the animation is about as smooth as Edward J. Olmos' skin. (Go ahead and Google him. I'll wait.)

As terrible as the graphics are, they are art when compared to the sound. Joe Rogan, the host on the actual show, encourages contestants with bon mots like "Chill out!" and, "It's 50 g's bro!" The digitized version, on the other hand, could be reading off a recipe for coq au vin for all I know, because he's about as intelligible as Nell with peanut butter stuck to the roof of her mouth. Altered Beast had better voice work than Unleashed does. So did the Intellivision, for that matter. The music rarely varies from cartoonish "thum-thums!" meant to indicate that time is running out, except for when the Fear Meter goes berserk and the Psycho-esque string arrangements kick in.

To be fair, I should mention that Unleashed also offers multiplayer game modes, including Vegas, Elimination, and Points. I'm not going to take the time to describe them, though, because in doing so I might accidentally trick someone into thinking that they improve the core gameplay one iota, which they most certainly don't. In fact, there is absolutely nothing worthwhile about this game, unless you count the satisfying crunching noise it makes when it's hit with a hammer. Fun is not a factor for Fear Factor: Unleashed.