Simply uttering the name Conan evokes images of the muscle bound governator of California and “What is best in life…”  Everyone’s favorite bare-chested barbarian has come a long way since his 1932 debut in Weird Tales magazine; Conan has been the subject a multitude of books, films, comics and videogames over the years, the most famous being 1982’s feature film Conan the Barbarian.  Now, it’s time for gamers to don Conan’s famous loincloth and oversized sword (that’s certainly not compensating for something) in THQ and developer Nihilistic’s aptly titled Conan for the PS3 and Xbox 360 (PS3 version reviewed).

Not Exactly Shakespeare

Taking its cues from (not-so) high fantasy, Conan takes tells the tale of Conan’s fight against a dark sorcerer who has enslaved the gods and, um. Yeah.  It’s probably enough to say that there’s one big bad guy and a bunch of other “not-quite-as-big” bad guys.  Oh, and there’s a girl too.   Honestly, an examination of the story in Conan would be like probing a Hardy Boys book for philosophical revelations on mankind’s place in the universe.  Suffice to say, there is a story present that’s meant to herd you along from point A to point B, but you’ll probably forget about it before you get anywhere close to B.

So, without a story to speak about, what is there in Conan that’s worth the price of admission?  By no means is Conan a graphical masterpiece.  “Serviceable” is an adjective that comes to mind, along with “unfinished” and “sparse.”   It’s not that Conan is an eyesore, its just more comparable to last generation titles than its current-gen contemporaries.   Levels have a minimum amount of detail and I couldn’t shake the feeling a layer of textures was missing.  Kind of like you might expect to see in a game like Gears of War if the textures did not completely “pop-in.” 

Unfortunately, the audio doesn’t fare any better than the graphics.  The score is light-years away from the classic soundtrack that accompanied Conan The Barbarian at the box office, falling flat by comparison even with regard to other videogame soundtracks. However, the soundtrack, however mundane, does not in and of itself detract from the gameplay by itself.  Instead, that burden falls to the in-game sound effects.  When they’re working the sound effects lack variety and imagination.  In this day and age, it’s nigh unforgivable for a game to use the same sound effect for when you strike your sword against a tree versus a brick wall.  Worse still, while playing the retail version of Conan, I encountered many instances where certain sound effects disappeared altogether.  Inexcusable.

Hacking and/or Slashing

Despite Conan’s many other shortcomings, the combat really does warrant more than a cursory inspection.  At the heart of Conan’s combat system are the weapons.  Nearly every object in the game can either be used as a weapon or thrown at an enemy.  The weapons themselves can be loosely grouped into three classes: single handed weapons used by themselves or with a shield, dual wielded single handed weapons and two handed  “power” weapons. 

Each weapon type has it’s own combo set and is more or less effective against certain enemies.  Sure, it’s possible to scrape by on button mashing, but the rewards that come from learning a few combos pay off with some truly satisfying (and varied) animations from severing limbs to suplexes.   Of course, the immediate comparison to God of War is a no-brainer, but the quality of the combat system in Conan stands in stark contrast to the rest of the game.  If only the developers had not relied so heavily on protracted quick time button pressing sequences during boss battles.  Developers, please for the love of god, lay off the quick-time button pressing in your games!!!

Not Quite “What is Best in Life…” 

For most of us knuckle dragging simians, Conan will be a “mostly” fun but also completely forgettable experience.  Even with a surprisingly satisfying combat system, Conan lacks any real “wow” factor.  Considering, the short play-through time (expect around 7 hours) and zero incentive for replay, it’s difficult to recommend for a purchase but should make for an enjoyable rainy day rental.