No Refund? No Problem!
How To Get Retail Therapy From Your Videogames
Ah, tax season, the time of stress and hair pulling, reckoning and regret, angst and Advil. Of course, for many of us, tax season is a happy time of year. For many of us, it means a sudden windfall, a huge chunk of extra money, a second Christmas that just happens to occur in April. For many of us, it's an excuse to buy that big ticket item we've been drooling over for the past eleven months, a chance to affirm our status as good little capitalists, a chance to indulge ourselves without guilt since after all, it was our money to begin with. Yes, for many of us, tax season is what really sends Spring thundering out of the starting gate – well, that and the Kentucky Derby. But hold up there for a second while we imagine the unthinkable…
Suppose you are one of those poor unfortunate individuals who isn't getting a refund. Suppose you are just breaking even or, still worse, that you actually owe money this year? All of a sudden, your friends are out buying new cars, plasma TVs, and drinking champagne from their shoes. Meanwhile, there you sit on the ancient and yes, slightly-uncomfortable futon you've had since your college days, contemplating your next tuna casserole and wondering where you went wrong on your W-4. I won't insult your intelligence by arguing with the fact that it sucks to be you. But hang on …
You are a gamer, are you not? Just because you have no tax refund doesn't mean that you can't indulge in a little crazy spending. How? Through your videogames of course. You see, the great thing about videogames, the thing that opportunistic politicians like Joe Lieberman and Hillary Clinton don't seem to understand, is that they're not real. Nothing you do in a videogame has any consequences in real life. Kill someone in a videogame and guess what, you're still a decent, law-abiding citizen. Similarly, you can spend boatloads of money without fear of reprisal from your boyfriend, girlfriend, spouse, life partner, parents, roommates, landlords, pets or – most beloved of all – your credit card companies. In other words, glass half full, people! Grab your controller and get ready to drop a bundle. Here are a few of your many, many options:
For a very basic, low-key shopping experience:Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time (N64)
![]() | Here is one to get you started. And good news: the shopping component is the very least of this incredible game's virtues, so you'll have more than enough to keep you busy. The shops of Ocarina of Time are limited in terms of their inventory, but one can still enjoy hanging out there. Those shops at Hyrule Castle are particularly fun due to the lively music and open air market atmosphere. In addition, if you're not able to find enough stuff on which to blow the requisite amount of cash, there are other fine establishments lining up to take your money. Check out the Shooting Gallery or try your hand at bomchu bowling or, if you're feeling really reckless, visit the Treasure Box Shop. And incidentally, should you find that you enjoy the shopping experience in this game, know that there's plenty more to be had in the next installment, Majora's Mask. Highlights include a shop run by Kotake and Koume, the two charismatic witch sisters from Ocarina of Time. |
Baldur's Gate: Dark Alliance (PS2)
![]() | Most people probably don't associate Baldur's Gate with shopping, but one does occasionally need a break from all the hacking, slashing, bludgeoning, and other forms of aerobic exercise. Shopping at the Elfsong Tavern is a lot like being in The Body Shop or Bath & Body Works except you're looking at weapons and armor. Should you invest in the latest and greatest the minute it becomes available or should you hoard your cash for a still bigger purchase later on? This is indeed the question because believe me, you will want to spend, spend, spend. Bartley, the proprietor of the shop, is friendly and solicitous without being pushy. "We have many fine deals," he proclaims proudly and asks helpfully if he can interest you in something "to split someone's skull." We like him much better than those irritating sales gnats who spray us with perfume the minute we approach the Clinique counter. |
Animal Crossing (GC, DS)
![]() | Can't afford the new shag carpet and the sunken living room? Whoops, that's the wrong decade. Can't afford that strange piece of modern sculpture or that thousand dollar glass coffee table that you saw on Queer Eye For the Straight Guy? Cheer up. Just because you're not getting a tax refund doesn't mean you shouldn't transform your virtual dwelling into a work of unparalleled comfort and visual splendor. Check out the charming and addictive Animal Crossing, available on both DS and Gamecube. Animal Crossing lets you do all kinds of things for money, most of which end up being very fun and rewarding. You can fish, dig up fossils, catch insects, harvest fruit. You can even hire yourself out to your neighbors on occasion. Of course, spending the money is even more gratifying, mostly because you are forced to buy a house at the beginning of the game and houses cry out to be decorated. And worry not, the local shop owner, Tom Nook, has an impressive variety of items for sale. There's furniture of many different styles, carpets, wood flooring, wall coverings, decorative plants, and even a pretty jazzy stereo system. Should you feel like landscaping, he also sells trees and flowers. Inventory rotates on a daily basis, so you'll want to check back often. You wouldn't want to miss out on that special cowhide rug, now would you? |
Final Fantasy VIII (PS)
![]() | There is something about Final Fantasy VIII that makes me want to spend insane amounts of money. Maybe it's the fact that from an artistic standpoint, the game seems so much slicker and more upscale than its grittier, more industrial predecessor, Final Fantasy VII. For starters, look at the training facility known as Balamb Garden. After crawling around Midgard for what seemed like an eternity, Balamb seems like a pretty nice place to be: lots of space, state-of-the-art facilities, attention to aesthetic concerns like color and landscaping. One gets the sense that the students here have all the latest gadgets. This is especially true of Squall, a guy who's not long on personality but who clearly knows how to accessorize. I don't know if it's the cool outfit, the interesting jewelry, or the abundance of hair product, but Squall makes me want to go straight to the virtual mall (if for no other purpose than to buy him a few vowels and maybe a clue). But Squall is not the only character who brings out the materialist in me. There's also Edea, a true fashion pioneer, whose radical yet stunning outfit resembles a cross between a dress and a chair. Then there's Quistis who proves that you can carry a whip and look good (and not at all S&M) doing it. One can spend hours outfitting these characters and upgrading their weapons – of course, the same can be said of Final Fantasy IX and X (and all the earlier ones, too, for that matter), but somehow, I enjoy the retail experience here at a lot more. Seriously, does Lulu really need another stuffed animal? |
Morrowind (Xbox)
![]() | If you simply want to amass (and spend) large sums of money, the island of Vvardenfell can be a great place to go. You will have to work in order to build your financial empire, but it will all seem worth it should you live long enough to reap the rewards. I amassed my fortunes by raiding bandit caves and daedric shrines. While both of these are dangerous (especially to a lower level character), there are a lot of really expensive items out there and consequently, the payoff can be huge. Then there's the question of how to spend that payoff. Do you want to buy things? You can buy practically anything on Vvardenfell, even rare books. Do you want to learn new stuff? Invest in some training. Want to acquire something that will allow you to breathe underwater and spend your days pearl diving and exploring shipwrecks? Pay someone at the Mage's Guild to enchant a ring or an amulet. One idea that may or may not occur to you is to simply give your money away. To this day, the Argonians on Vvardenfell love me and think I'm a goddess. Why? Because whenever I saw them, I gave them money. Sometimes I gave them a lot of money. You see, I love an underdog and the Argonians seem so downtrodden. Most of them are poor and some are even kept as slaves. They seem to have it better in Cyrodill (see newly-released masterpiece Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion) but that's another story. Suffice it to say, I plied them with cash every chance I got. And you know what? It felt great! If I ever become a philanthropist in real life, it will be because of this game. |
Of course, we've only scratched the surface here. There are many other games in which it's fun to blow money and if I had more time and space, I would no doubt go on and on about the very entertaining merchant in Resident Evil 4 is or how much I love the ability to buy pizza in Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. But I think you're ready to strike out on your own now. Remember that in many cases, virtual spending can be even more rewarding and therapeutic than its real life counterpart. After all, there won't be any real consequences for your out-of-control behavior. Your parents will not yell at you, your significant other will not leave you, your credit cards will not be smoking, and you won't have to drive anything back to the dealership. Be nice to yourself at this difficult and potentially traumatic time of year. Embrace your capitalist nature and indulge in virtual shopping!
-- Jane Branden (Garbo01)

LARA CROFT FOR FREE!? |











No Refund? No Problem!














